Lets just say this month has been “Weird”. I spent so much time, energy and put so much pressure on this project I have started that I’ve completely missed out on what I had begun and done. As of late, I’ve been struggling with this concept of what makes up who I am, and its relationship with who I want to be. This inevitably led me down a hole I was familiar with. “Relapse” isn’t a word I use a lot, and like the word “Recovered” it holds a certain weight and attention that is extremely distinctive and individualistic to the person it is in usage with. But again, I’ve found myself in a “hole”, and I needed to be here again to realize that this hole I am was in is self manifested. Like before I dug this hole for myself, but this time, I caught myself early enough to stop digging. I realized that I was in a very similar place I was a couple years ago, again barely eating and trying to be some “starving artist”. And I came to the realization that as of late, I've spent so much time trying to be a starving artist, I’ve wasted all the time in becoming an actual artist, and just wound up starving. Starving from food yes, but also starving from purpose. I was passion starved. My body officially resembled how I felt, again. So I do what I always do? Think back, reflect and remember the steps you have already taken. Im in this hole digging, but there's a ladder down here I left from last time. How did I recover before? After spending some time meditating I remembered I have to get this manifested struggle out of my head and focus on the issues in my reality, this is where it hit me.
Since I’ve been going down this process of my new life journey, I’ve kept one question at the core, what makes me, “me”. And I've come to the idea that it’s not just what I do, or how I do it but it's “why” I do it as well. This concept and symbolistic relationship that I have of, “What, how, and why you do is who you are, and if what you do is your passion, then through the consistency of doing it every day you’ll be full-filled with the most authentic genuine life, which will lead to pure happiness” became my new obsession and goal. So with the focus on myself, I’ve really set down this path in finding out how to apply this approach to life so I can finally find self sufficient happiness. Step 1, why does anyone do what they do? Don’t humans do everything out of want or need? I’m comfortable to break it down to such a bare singular idea, because at our core when it comes to the individual it becomes extremely personal and singular. My old doctor once told me, “Everything we do is either for pain or pleasure, dopamine or discomfort.” Sticking with life lessons, I was also told “Do what you love every single day and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Add these two together and in practicality, they work together, both in short term and long term. To me it made sense and these two sayings were how Ive perceived my life. Figure out what you do for pleasure, for the dopamine, and do it every single day and make it become your job so you’ll live a happy life. It's a perfect accumulation, it made sense and seemed kinda easy so I setoff for this journey. But before I can put this equation into process I needed to find that pleasure, that passion that makes me want to do something I love so much that I can do it everyday and be happy. So starting young with this idea, I looked around and tried to see if any one person did anything that I liked so much, I would see if it had the same effect on me. Looking at the people around me it was my brother with hockey, but after playing on multiple teams at the same time, it was wearing me out more than fulfilling me. Then it was music, my best friend, same results. Then it was college and teaching, my sister, just left me feeling dumb and wasting my time. And then I was 26 and I driven these “passions” of mine into the pavement. Because they were not my purpose, no matter how hard I tried to make them be. This is unfortunately an issue, see the more I did the job or pursued the career, it didn't make me happier. And seeing how happy those other people were doing it, I instinctively did it more and more, and when doing this instead of maybe stopping or changing what I was doing, I doubled down and worked harder, which is a double edged sword, because I would be doing well, sometimes even excelling and people would notice my work and outcome and that made me feel good. And that made me put more value on that thing I was doing, which made me neglect my true feelings on the subject even more. The intention is great and I pride myself so much on the outcome of my work but I really had to try and figure out why this idea matters so much. And no matter how much what I was doing meant to me in a positive way, I know that I can not do something with such a value on it and not have it become an obsession. And when it gets to that point what I’m doing usually consumes my entire day, even me entirely, and then it becomes soul destroying. This has happened again and again no matter how pure and well meaning the approach was. But why am I trying to control so goddamned much? After contemplation I really started to be terrified with the idea if I don’t do something important to me, then it won’t be important at all, and if you are what you do and how/why you do it, and if what you do isn’t important… then aren’t you, not important? And if you’re not important, then aren’t you nothing? And you’ve been doing nothing really important for 25 years, and you put so much devotion into this idea, doesn’t that make you a failure? As a failure, what ideas will people have of you now? What will you leave behind?
This revelation/realization crippled me. This was the basis of the idea to starve myself. I was nothing, so I wanted to embody that, I wanted to be nothing. I wanted to just physically disappear, so I tried. This idea, or just the significance of this “plan for life” and how damning this thought is, is obviously unique. But to this day, it’s still an idea that I view as relevant and true. Which leads me to often fall prey to this ideology that have to claw myself out of. And luckily the approach in combating the sense of “being nothing” is something I also have experience with. “What are you allowing food to stop you from doing?” This was all it took for my old doctor to flip a hardened switch in my brain. My doctor truly was a main component in saving my life, and this question and was how he did it. He showed me that it wasn’t “why” I didn’t I want to eat, but the “what” and “how” I’ve manipulated and replaced an issue in my reality, with an issue of food. Well the issue? Being stuck in life and depressed so instead of breaking through this rough patch, I manifested the struggle by every day imposing an issue on what I need to do to sustain my life. AKA lacking substance in life? Diminish myself of all substance. It was definitely a mind-blowing realization, I never thought of what I was doing in this way and it truly saved me. But that was then and here I am again, depressed and slipping. I’m again having to face myself and rediscover why this is happening. How am I here AGAIN??! As I search and ask myself these questions, I see the ladder in the hole I’ve dug. So knowing and realizing the signs, I stopped and used what I’ve learned to climb out. Ask yourself the questions that have led you to recovery. What am I putting so much emphasis and importance on, that its becoming a struggle and such an issue its inhibiting me from progress? Well, this plan of living my “passion” once saved my life right? And I don’t really know what my passion is, so is my life worth living? Sounds drastic and dramatic but it doesn’t start off this way, it grows into this. This is the end point and that’s why I care so much about passion and purpose and how I value myself, because it gave purpose to my life once before, so I need that fulfillment in life to consider it worthwhile. Luckily I have the experience and wherewithal to realize this is the hole, and the more I put value on it or double down on it, means I’m still digging, but my realization of it? Means I’m climbing. And now I feel like I’m almost out, climbing the ladder. And that made up, imaginary ladder I’m on? Well, it’s actually real.
I came up with my new mantra, “Go. Be. Different.”. Together as a sentence it works, individually it stands for this: “Go”, literally get up and start. “Be” be the art, don’t worry about how it or you look, think authenticity. “Different” stop trying to be on other people's paths and journeys. I realized again the difference between wanting and being is doing, so it all works and its something I frequently remind myself with. “Go. Be. Different.” And what exactly am I going to do, what am I becoming, and what's so different about what I'm doing? Well, I'm starting. Im initiating and I’m being an artist on my own path. And that path is my podcast and Art of Passion Project. The Project will essentially be a week with an artist and I plan to deliver through an audio podcast, with a photography collection, a written article and short film based off that guest and their passion. My hope for the podcast is to reach out to an audience and help them find their purpose by having the guest share theirs, and draw in that connection and community by their stories and the importance of their passions. This so meaningful to me not just because I want other people to live the happiest life they can, but because I’m still trying to figure out how to live a life of passion, still trying to make this concept work. This project encapsulates my idea of a meaningful life, a life worthwhile. I have some great guests lined up, and I’m so excited to really go down this path and that terrifies me. Yes, it terrifies me, and yes this struggle of being open and vulnerable and starting something new manifested into a mental struggle that almost stopped me from doing it, but I’ve started and I could not be more excited. I hope you are as well!